Been thinking a lot lately... about the changes i need to make, planning what need to be done, thinking about my family back in Sabah etc.. Most of all I've been thinking about my mom and my baby a lot..
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It's like i am facing both life and death... My mom was diagnosed with cancer in the middle of the year and she went through an operation but does not want to go through the chemotherapy. She rather take Chinese natural herbs and pray by faith.. but someone told me to prepare as she may leave at any time.. I WAS SO SAD TO HAVE HEARD THAT... I mean i don't want to force her to go for any treatment if she doesn't want to or that it does not makes her happy.. I rather she had the best time of her life when she can. Even if she live longer but not happy, what's the point in living? To me as long as she is happy, i will be supportive and happy for her. And how do we prepare for something like this? Can anyone be really prepared? I don't think so.. it reminds me of the first time i lost someone i love.. When he past away, he took part of my heart with him, it has never been the same.. I still misses my grandfather a lot...
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On the other hand, I have my Alexander.. Sweet young thing.. when ever he cries my heart aches and i just can't bare to leave him even for a while.. When he cries, his face will look like sour plum... Literally.. ahahah... and at times you can see tears.. very kesian.. i was at church the other day and as everyone was worshiping and singing the last song, I CRIED. I was deeply touched by the gift God has given me. I don't deserve such a wonderful gift but i am grateful and full of joy, no words could express my love except through my tears... I love to sleep with my baby in my arms.. i just don't want to let him go... he is so precious to me.. ( i know i know.. wait till he is older... he may just drive me up the wall.. )
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The things that made me cry the most these days is just the thought of this 2 person in my life... I cannot imagine a life without them... (of course Nigel also, but for now he can take care of himself :D so i am very glad.) The tears of pain and joy... both from God and both softens my soul..
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