Why is this hapening???

Can you believe this?? Coz I am still in shock...

I just got to know that my mom's eldest sister just passed away...

She has been missing my mom ever since she knew about my mom's sudden death. She thinks about my mom a lot and i think felt depress. According to my other aunt, she fainted one day and died not long after tt.. she was berried last Wednesday...

It's so sudden!!! The last time I saw her was years ago.. before i went to study in Uni.. now i'll never get to see her again.. we use to be very close, especially with my 3 cousins.. but after my grandparents passed away, there were some issue that made my mom very up set towards them so we stop visiting each other.. my mom never forgave her.. my mom still feel hurt on what they have done to my grandparents...

This month has been a horrible month for me.. I feel I cannot settle down.. emotionally I am on a roller coaster ride.. but mostly the point in my ride is almost always DOWN... what is going on? Is there anything good to come out of this? How much God thinks my heart can take??

No matter wht my aunt had done, she is still my aunt and even though she has caused my mom pain also.. i forgive her.. as i mentioned in my mom's funeral..

"I hated all those whom have caused pain towards my mom, but now i forgive you so you may have peace....so we may have peace...."

I am just human...

Last Sunday one of my church member told me i look ok tt day.. I hope she didn't think tt i have forgotten my mom and moved on... I mean i have moved on.. i need to.. If not, I will be miserable and sad all the time for the rest of my life..

I want to remember all the wonderful things my mom and I use to do. But i still can't think of it for very long coz i'll start crying again... depressing huh? I am trying to keep myself busy so I wouldn't have to feel so lonely... i mean i do have frens and family... but they are not my mother... and i feel lonely without her... coz we use to talk all the time on the phone every Monday night and we up date ourselves on what have been happening in our lives.

Now, i call my step sister lor... at least i get to call home... i miss calling home to my mom...

I need to move on... i need to live.. that is what my mom would want me do... She is a strong person and she'll want me to be strong too... even though i sometimes break down but i am still trying and trying hard..

Everyone can only see my smiles and laughter... it's alright.. just know tt i am human too.. i cry... so dun be surprise if i do once a while...

Alexander's lovely smiles...

Alexander loves to laugh and smile... he cries a lot too ahahaha... his smile covers all multitude of cries he had done aheehee.. coz he is so sweet...

Nigel always says his temper is like mine.. which is bad lar.. i say of course lar.. then only ppl say "got character"(yao seng gak) mar :D ok lar.. we shall try to educate him not to throw tantrums so often...

he is still an angel.. for now.. ahhaha... wait till he grows "louder" then we'll decide...

I will up date soon my babymomdad blog... i wanna share what i got him every week... yes.. almost every week i get him something.. cloths, toys, stickers... etc..

Something strange???

It very occur to me that taking photos during funeral was strange... but if you keep on posing may be it is a bit weird...

I have been to some funeral when i was older so i dun really see ppl actually taking photos so during my mom's funeral, my uncles and other relatives took photos like no body's business... i think it is normal for Sabahan to do so coz i remember when i grandfather (a Kadazan) passed away when i was 5 years old, i got photos to remember tt incident. so ya, it's normal to take photos and posh during the funeral for Sabahan..

The funeral MUST be held for 3 days.. for family and friends to visit.. from morning until night someone needs to be there to welcome any visitors... One thing funny about it is that they also encourage the family to stay over night with the body (like the olden Chinese) but i told my father's family that we are Christians so we need not stay for my mom's spirit is not going to come out from the coffin and walk around at night. (that was the reason they gave me when they say we should stay over night lar... say she will be lonely wor...)

I dun blame them lar.. they are Kadazan Christians and they still believe in all this funny things (some from Chinese, some from Kadazan tribe's beliefs) because of the environment that they are in... If i were to stay there all my life, i think i would have believed the same also..

I wonder you all ready to see some of the photos from my mom's funeral or not... may be not so soon lar.. it may so so weird to you all... i even ask Nigel can I take my mom's photo in the coffin... he stop to think for a while and said that's my mom, if I dun feel scared, it's ok.. so i did... but will not show tt lar..

I choose a place for her ashes to be put and the number is CEO 7. Cool ler??!!! 7 is this number of completion.. and she had runt he race well and completed her journey well.. CEO?? (Chief Executive Officer..) well, it's for us to remember it easier la... it sound.. well funny also... when I explain where my mom's ashes is allocated... "It's at CEO 7!!" I am not being disrespectful, please. But i suppose we should not be overly serious about things of the world... coz it's really temporary... but things that can be stored in Heaven... now tt is something we should look into seriously...

The call home...

I called my step sister, Ah Ling this morning. To see how are things going with my step dad and my step sister in law..

My step dad is busy with work and try not to think so much, like what i am doing also i guess. He usually go badminton 3 times a week but now he cut down to once a week only. May be he is trying to take it easy..

As for my step sister in law... You wouldn't believe it but she is also suffering from cancer.. kidney cancer.. She has also grown very thin but she is still very attentive and able to walk around. She gets tired very easily though. She have 3 beautiful daughters and they are very intelligent. They just move to a new school and some of them still feels uncomfortable with the place.. new mar..

I feel for them, for the 3 beautiful young girls.. i experienced the same situation. It is heart breaking to see that they have to go through this while they are still so young. Not too adult to understand the full impact yet but old enough to know the love of their mom can never be replaced. It's a struggle for them all.

They were there for my mom's funeral, they are considered my nieces. They love to take photo with Alexander... :) they give him so much attention and love... I wanted to tell them tt my mom spoke of them all the time as she is so proud of them. But i couldn't pull myself together to share tt then.. I am sure their mom is also very proud of them.. she had dedicated her life to take care of them.. she cook, she drives and support their every need. She is a wonderful mom..

I hope they will cherish the time they still have with their mom, may the Lord bless and increase their love for each other from now on...

Now... they are my only reason I call home....

Please don't ask... now is not the time...

I know many meant well by asking about my mom's situation but I don't want to relive those moments right now.. it's not frustrating, it's painful. You will not be able to imagine how I feel every time i have to remember those days agian.

I will definitely remember it for the rest of my life but I do not wish to relive it by sharing it in such detail.. i may share is more openly one day, when my heart is not as broken as it is right now... because my experience may help anyone out there who is suffering from the same situation.

I know I can use my sufferings to help others because this pain is so intense, no one can go through it alone. No one could ever understand the impact of this experience unless one has gone through it.

Do I feel alone? Since no one have lost a mother like this? no, i don't feel alone... coz i have family and friends who cares and prays for me... they may not be able to take away the pain and grief.. deep grief... but their word of comfort "She is now at peace with the Lord." helps my mind to be at peace. I know all these truth but i'm not able to see it when my heart is in pieces. You know what I mean? So, thank God for family in Christ whom kept my mind on track and in line with God.

Thank you Lord... please take care of my mom... tell her how much i love her.. and miss her..

The Good Old days.. Old old days..

We had some really great camps back in the days...

Where we were not the ones organizing or in charge... We went there to received and to grow..

We truly have grown much together... You see some familiar faces?? :D

We had so much fun too.. So free and crazy.. We don't really look diffrent.. just a bit older i guess :P

Oh.. i love the youth camps that we went. We met new ppl and we had really crazy time together during those Free time...

There was funny moments as well ahahaha... Hilarious... and sometimes it's just between us friends... aheeheehee..

Will never forget the crazy sabbo that we had, not just once but many times as we rotated among friends... water, flour, eggs, cakes.. aheehee... whatever goes...

Ah.. this pic really have that "old" feel doesn't it? We were really close and we still are..

Miss some of you guys coz you guys are so far away.. Zoe, Jeff, Mien Li, Bryan... Been thinking of you all...

This was fun!! we had a great time with our church members during one family camp..

especially when all the cg girls comes together and had a games of... dunno what game d.. but i remembered got cards involved lar.. Kat and Sharon is in it too.. can you find them???

After "The Choice" presentaion, we helped putting up some cupboards for the church... It was really team work.. everyone helped...

:D Kat and me.. Eventhough I would never ever watch "The Choice" presentation, I still think it was one of the best event we pull together.. as a church, as a team, to bless the ppl and send a message...

Doulous trip :) Sharon cannot tahan the heat ler ahahaha... Too bright nd too hot.....

Simply painful

I am a wreck. I can't find the motivation to do anything.. my dad buy me things and i go shopping and all but it makes me feel nice.. for a while but it doesn't make the pain go away.I don't know what to pray anymore since my mom got really sick and now tt she is with the Lord I am still lost for words...

I still can't believe that my mom left. We spend time together just 3 months ago when i give birth to Alexander.. I mean, how can this happen like this? She got sick while she was with me. She shouldn't have come over to KL, she should have rested at home.. if she did, she could still be alive right now.. i am so lost without her.. when ever i want to tell someone about Alexander's progress i can only turn to mom but now, who can I talk to? Who will not judge me? Who will support me the same way she does? I miss her.. so much tt it hurts..

Every time i past my guest room, i sometimes feel i can see her reading her magazine with her glasses.. of course i am just imagining it but it feels so sad that i will not see that again.. ever.

I do not how long i will feel this way... i have no inspiration in me to do anything.. i just want to rest and time to grief.. i cry when ever i remember her... when i go through her stuffs, the places we went, the conversations we had, the jokes we cracked etc... i would just cry. I can't help it.. I dun think i am ready to go back to face the world yet.. not today nor tomorrow.. but hopefully soon... Friday could be the day...

Even though i can be go back to work and ministry etc again does not mean the pain have healed... it just mean i can go back..