Going home again...

I'm going home again today... i am eager to go back to see my mom and care for her again but aches as i have to leave my little Alexander behind a another week b4 he and Nigel comes over here.. i will miss them dearly...

My mom's brother went to visit yesterday and some of mom's friends.. We are grateful that they came to visit her perhaps for the last time.. but i really hates it when they insist of doing what they say for my mom. I mean, i know thy do it with good intention but giving us suggestions and insisting on it will not help my mom nor comfort her.. this will only frustrate her and confuse her..

Ask me why we didn't get her to the hospital, like we didn;t want to??? My mom doesn't want to!!!! and that is her wish! who am I to say "You must go."??? We never question her decision on anything because not only we respect her but we know what ever her decision is, she have thought it through and she will be stubborn about it. SO, instead of arguing with her and trying to win a losing battle we rather support her every desire and wish.. of course we think staying in the hospital would be better, but to my mom, it's not.. she wants to be close to us and not some nurse she hardly know.

Yes, we may not be equipped with skills to take care of her and we can always stay over to take care of her in the hospital.. but how long can we stay in the hospital? We have to take shifts some more if she stays there?(need to go back and shower, cook dinner etc..) but at home we are always always there for her.. all of us...

To my mom, what is the point of staying in the hospital, it will not cure her nor make her comfortable... i know the nurses will try her best to but for my mom, she just wants to be with us and us with her...

Some even tell and ask me, why my mom never told them earlier tt she was this ill, then they will suggest 101 cure for her...this lar that lar... I really hate this kind of ppl... this is exactly why my mom never told you people about her illness... YOU TALK TOO MUCH!!!! AND GIVE UNWANTED OPINIONS!!! you only criticize her decision and that is not encouraging at all... who wants to talk to you about anything? I do not want to be rude but......... SHUT UP!!!!!! ~~ i have yet to be rude or scold anyone yet at this point... i just cut them off half way and talk about something else though... i will try to stay calm when it happens again but i will not tolerate ppl who comes in and talks and talks and talks and disturb my mom's rest... i will ask them to leave (hopefully politely...) which i have to some recently.

I think i have offended some uncles & aunties during my stay... but i couldn't care less.. i will do what I need to do, to protect my mom from these ppl...

I'm home...

The news of my mom’s illness was painful. She called one night to request our return and it was very sudden and sad. After hanging up the phone I could barely hold my tears what more talk. I cried a deep cry but the pain in my heart didn’t go away.

After her phone call on Sunday night, Monday afternoon was another phone call that toured my heart in to pieces. My Step sister and step father called and told me that my mom’s cancer had spread to her lungs, colon and shoulder-in other words all the vital organs has been infected and there is no cure nor chance of survival. It is just a matter of time.

I knew this day would come eventually but not this soon. It was only last month that we spent time together chit chatting about the good old days and the things we plan to do. The cancer spread like the wild fire in a forest, nothing can survive its rage. Nothing was spared. Nothing at all...

I broke into tears there and then after receiving my step sister’s phone call in the restaurant. My friend tried to comfort me but there is nothing anyone could say can make me feel any better. Even though some of my well meant friends ask me to be prepared for anything but it does not help at all. The only preparation to this is the things that my mom has in possession but my pain, my agony what can make it go away? Nothing...nothing at all...

My heart sank even deeper when i am not able to go back straight away because I was still sick since the New Year’s Day. So i need to get well soon and that means no more crying or my cough will get even worst. I kept myself busy with work and with Alexander.

I couldn’t really focus on work so i took a few days off to recover and if i got better sooner i can go back earlier.. i stayed home and spend time with Alexander. One of the comforts I get is from Alexander’s no-teeth-smiles. It is the sweetest thing on earth at that moment.

My cough have it’s ups and downs.. but i can’t wait too long. I need to see my mother. So i booked the earliest flight home and try to keep myself healthier.

I feel so sad to have to leave Alexander but i must for a short while. I hold my tears so tightly but when I arrived home, I cannot bare to go into the room and look at my mom. The doctor said she only have 3 weeks or less. She is in pain most of the time so the doctor gave her something stronger to rid of the pain. I can’t hold y tear when eventually i entered her room...

I got the shock of my life because she looked so weak, so frail, so tired. Her whole being is but the skin covering her skeleton frame; i can’t stand seeing her like this! I can just die! i am in so much pain i couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t say anything... I just held my mom and waited for her to awaken for a while so i can let her know that i am home.. and I did manage to tell her.. that I am home…

I rather not...

This year’s CNY will be the most unhappy CNY for me, I knew this would come eventually just didn’t thought that it would be so soon. I wished that this things can be delayed but then at whose expense? I rather not wish for anything foolish; I rather not talk about it; I rather not..

I heart aches in pain and is slowly meeting a breaking point, not yet but soon. I cannot imagine what will happen when I go back, it has always been happy and sad whenever I leave here and go back. But this time, there is only sadness that accompanying me. I don’t know what to do, what to say, how to pray.. I just don’t know.

It is happening again after 15 years of my life, it is happening again. Why must it be now? Can’t it wait? But who am I to question God’s will? I wonder, if I pray hard enough would it be as I wished? Do I really know any better? I rather not, I rather let God decide and His will be done. Is it cowardly to do so? to take the easier way? Let God be God and let it be?

There is no easier way in this, all I can do, all anyone can do is to know by Faith that God is sovereign and He has our best interest in mind.

I really spoil my Alexander...

Alexander's recent look...

He is trying to tell me something :D

I am really spoiling him.. I love to carry him and hug him and steal a kiss from him as much as I can.. And this made it very difficult for Nigel to make Alexander go to sleep on his own.. :P

Alexander loves being accompanied. He loves it when I talk to him and Nigel is pretty good at it also.. but recently, because he sleeps long hours at night (better than b4.. now about 4 hours to 5 hours) he will want us to talk to him when he wakes up in the morning.. He will give some response when ever we talk to him.. So cute!!! I can't let him down because of that.. he really is such a darling.. But the problem is.. Alexander wants us to constantly be there with him when he is awake, because of tt either i have to bring him everywhere I go or I will need to stay with him and talk to him...

He is pretty firm and strong.. he loves bathing time and i love to bath him coz it makes him happy and I love to see his smile...

He dreams a lot... sometimes good ones sometimes bad ones... Sometimes he may cry suddenly while he was asleep and you'll know tt it wa a bad dream.. sometimes he will laugh or even smile while asleep and you'll know tt it's a good dream.. He is tremendously adorable when he smile or laugh.. I just can't stand it! I have to give him a hug or a squeeze... eeeeeeee... geram!!!!

When you play with him and he get really excited, he tends to kick and move his whole body with excitement! He does tt all the time in the bath tub.. so i have to be extra careful with him during tt time..

I spoil him now, yes... and i would do anything to make him happy... but i will not spare the rod of discipline. I just want him to know that i love him so much that I just want to make him happy but when I say "NO", it means NO. Of course he will know this when he is older gua.. but even now I will tell him firmly if he simply cries for attention or after taking him out of the bath tub, the amazing thing is that he understand it most of the time and stop crying..

Awwww... my precious Alexander..

NATURAL HIGHS

Have you tried these things before???

1. Falling in love. ~ oh yes.. many times!!!! with the same person… my husband :D

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts. ~ YES!!! Ahahah absolutely!!! One of the recent ones was during CG, when my fren have to dig their partner’s nose with their pinky finger..

3. A hot shower. ~ Everyday!!!.. very refreshing especially during the rainy days.. hmmm..

4. No lines at Supermarket. ~ yup!! But very seldom..

5. A special glance. ~ Yes!! Recently when we visited a fren and her shy son gave us a shy glace.. aheehee.. so sweet…

6. Getting mail. ~ Oh… I love this one!!! Yes of course!!! :D especially wishing cards..

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road. ~ Nigel and I enjoyed it at times.. a night ride in the city is lovely J

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. ~ often!!! :D one of my fav is “you’re my everything.” By Micheal Bubble and “My Wish” by Russell

9Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. ~ Sometimes when it rains in the morning and I am so lazy to wake up.. J yes… I enjoyed it for a while before I fall back to sleep ahaha..

10. Hot towels out of the dryer. ~ Nah.. I dun have a dryer.. ahahaha..

11. Walking out of your last final (exams). ~ Wah!! This is one of the greatest feelings!!! “It is finished” kinda feeling!!!

12. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price. ~ No wor.. L very seldom.. normally gets the substitutes..

13. A chocolate milkshake. ~ Yummy… yes!!!

14. A long distance phone call. ~ oh yes… just a couple of weeks ago an old fren from China called… so lovely of her to do so…

15. Getting invited to a dance. ~ Not a normal practice here in Malaysia but invited for a get together on Raya.. ahahah.. same trill..

16. A bubble bath. ~ oh yes… last time I use to do it very often.. :P

17. Giggling. ~ Aheeheehee.. all the time…

18. A good conversation. ~ Oh yes… every day…

19. A care package. ~ Dunno wht is this… anyone of you know????

20. The beach. ~ Love going to be beach!!!!.. wish can go more often…

21. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter. ~ ahahahah.. happens at times when I find money somewhere in my washed pockets.. ahahaha…

22. Laughing at yourself. ~ All the time!!! Not just at myself, but even by myself wahahahahaha… (silly right? Aheeeheehe.. but it’s good!! U should try it!)

23. Midnight phone calls that last for hours. ~ Hmm… I use to do this.. but now seldom lor… even if it last, it will not be midmights…

24. Running through sprinklers. ~ ahahaha.. MY dun really use sprinkles… but running through the drizzling rain b4? Hope that counts?

25. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. ~ People will think I’m crazy.. but ya… been there done that!!! akakakakaka

26. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. ~ Oh… so often :P (Perasan nye…)

27. Laughing at an inside joke. ~ yup!!! Sometimes with close frens, Hubby and young ppl.. somethings I just laugh with my 2 silly looking dogs :P

28. Friends. ~ A MUST HAVE!!!! If not, where would we be?

29. Falling in love for the first time. ~ That was so long time a go… lemme see when… ei… dun remember.. :P

30. Slumber parties. ~ Ya!!! Girls slumber parties are fun!!!!

31. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. ~ Lemme think... got gua.. the elders (uncle aunties grandparents?) in my family??

32. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. ~ yes.. but I rather dun wanna wake up when it’s not time..

33. Your first kiss. ~ oh… I remember this one.. it’s with my pet cat!!!! :D

34. Being part of a team. ~ What a wonderful feeling to belong…

35. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. ~ Always cheers me up and take away my boredom

36. Playing with a puppy. ~ Oh so cute... All the time..

37. Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping. ~ yes.. wht a thrill.. done it many times and it was always so much fun…

38. Having someone play with your hair. ~ Eh.. dun really enjoy this one so nah..

39. Sweet dreams. ~ Yes, and sometimes these dreams comes true J

40. Hot chocolate. ~ Oh.. love it!!!

41. Road trips with friends. ~ yes yes!!! Went to picnics, travelling, climbing etc.. enjoying every moment of it!!!

42. Swinging on swings. ~ Yes!! I love swings!!! And was very ‘geng” at it when I was younger…(no Fear)

43. Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love. ~ Yes. But too hot lar now a days… aheeheehee…

44. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog. ~ not all the above but half of it yes… such a wonderful & enjoyable feeling.

45. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid. ~ Ahahaha…yes gua..

46. Going to a really good concert. ~ oooo… Christian concerts are always good for the soul!!! Amen!!!

47. Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one person. ~ awww… of course…

48. Making eye contact with a cute stranger. ~ Aha… a big no no for me.. :P

Happy 2009!!!

2008 was a great year for me.. Hope it was wonderful for you too..

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Let's see what I remember during 2008... hmmm...

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- Went to JB for CNY and got to know Nigel's family better this year...

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-Gone back to Sabah for CNY and introducing Nigel to my family and relatives. Had a great time with my old school friends who came on that day and spend time chatting with my cousin Slyvia was memorable. :) Thanks gals!!!

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-Went out with 5 wonderful young ladies from CPY to Orchid Farm to take some nice photos.. :D

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-I remembered CPY did a wonderful presentation on Easter Sunday.. "You are the reason." Just beautiful...

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-Then, i found out why I get tired easily during all the practices.. I got pregnant!!! :D

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-Encounter weekend with CPY was great! Some young ppl was truly released...

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-We had our Corbis Futsal competition for the second year!!! Wonderful event!!! Nigel even came to help :D

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- Went for WIDE training part 1 & 2 and learn a lot of new things with Pastor Victor and Kelly... Seen humble pastors that joined us also.. AND, went out to talk to strangers, sometimes about Christ, some just get to know them..

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- Family Church camp in Melaka.. so wonderful and fun! Had such wonderful time with my peers this time.. totally precious..

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-Took Sabbatical rest from ministry for 3 months, to prepare for my delivery and baby.

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- Renovation!!! what a week! seeing the transformation of our house is such a joy...

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- Gave birth to our first born, Alexander Toh Yi Ern. The experience was amazing and magical.

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- Had an amazing time with my mom while she was here during my confiment period.

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My goal last year was to be more personal with family and friends, get to know them better and to show them i love them. I think i have done it.. At least i have given my best with the time that I had.

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What will be my goal and mission for 2009? hmm...

Paid in full by a glass of milk

One hot summer day a little more than 100 years ago, a young medical studentwas going from house to house in a farming community in Maryland, sellingbooks to earn money to pay for his education.

Late one afternoon he called at a farmhouse where the only one at home was ateenage girl. After he made his presentation, the girl said, "I'm so sorry,but my mother is a widow and we can't afford to buy books."

The young man then asked, "Would you be so kind as to give me a drink ofwater?"

"Sure. But we have plenty of milk in the spring house. Wouldn't you ratherhave a glass of cold milk instead?"

"I would be most grateful," the young man replied.

Years passed. The medical student became a skilled physician. One day whilemaking his rounds he thought he recognized a patient as the person who, as agirl, had been kind to him. She, however, was too sick to recognize him.Things began to happen. The young woman was moved to a private room andgiven the finest care medical science could offer.

One day a nurse said to her, "Tomorrow you're going home."

"I'm glad," said the patient, "but the bill worries me."

"Let me go get it, and we'll see how much it is.

"The nurse returned with the treasurer of the hospital, who presented thebill to the patient. She glanced at the bottom line. She was shocked at thehigh amount! But then she noticed these words written across the statement:"Paid in full by a glass of milk. Howard A. Kelly, M.D."

Several years ago a preacher moved to Houston, Texas.

Some weeks after he arrived, he had occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change.

As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, you better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it. Then he thought, "Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount?

Anyway the bus company already gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a gift from God and keep quiet."

When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, "Here, you gave me too much change."

The driver with a smile, replied, "Aren't you the new preacher in town? I have been thinking lately about going to worship somewhere. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change."

When my friend stepped off the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, and held on, and said, "O God, I almost sold your Son for a quarter."

Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read. So live to reflect what is written...