Simply painful

I am a wreck. I can't find the motivation to do anything.. my dad buy me things and i go shopping and all but it makes me feel nice.. for a while but it doesn't make the pain go away.I don't know what to pray anymore since my mom got really sick and now tt she is with the Lord I am still lost for words...

I still can't believe that my mom left. We spend time together just 3 months ago when i give birth to Alexander.. I mean, how can this happen like this? She got sick while she was with me. She shouldn't have come over to KL, she should have rested at home.. if she did, she could still be alive right now.. i am so lost without her.. when ever i want to tell someone about Alexander's progress i can only turn to mom but now, who can I talk to? Who will not judge me? Who will support me the same way she does? I miss her.. so much tt it hurts..

Every time i past my guest room, i sometimes feel i can see her reading her magazine with her glasses.. of course i am just imagining it but it feels so sad that i will not see that again.. ever.

I do not how long i will feel this way... i have no inspiration in me to do anything.. i just want to rest and time to grief.. i cry when ever i remember her... when i go through her stuffs, the places we went, the conversations we had, the jokes we cracked etc... i would just cry. I can't help it.. I dun think i am ready to go back to face the world yet.. not today nor tomorrow.. but hopefully soon... Friday could be the day...

Even though i can be go back to work and ministry etc again does not mean the pain have healed... it just mean i can go back..